Funnies

Pilot Error?

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the
form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe
sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense
of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that
has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One - An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A
small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two - A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked
at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach
the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was
proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted
by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.

Lesson Three - A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how
warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard
the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him
out and ate him.

Management Lesson - (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And
when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of
Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is
that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry.." So she prepared him a
plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled
and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps
the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to
the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew,
her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and conti nued
on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she
broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she
cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with
my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next
to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

BIN LADEN SONG

This is the pilot I want flying MY plane whenever I take a trip!